I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
