Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
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Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
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I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.