i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
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He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
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I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"