im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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