I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
