so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
