6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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