Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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