Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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