you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Never joke about your clitoris.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
