I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
