just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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