So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
