you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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