I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
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Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
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that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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