drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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