Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
