He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
