dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
