good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
