I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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