I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Randomize
