you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I looked at my own cervix.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
