my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
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I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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