Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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