you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
