I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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