Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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