i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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