I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
