Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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