Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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