I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
