I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
