Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
