The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
