and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
