i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
