I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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