is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
