I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
