Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize