I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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