Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
