I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
