My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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