I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
