I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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