dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
