if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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