Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
