ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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