I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
