I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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