Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Sorry about my life...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
