my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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