I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
