she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
