I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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