my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
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I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
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He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.