btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?