I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
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All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
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I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??